I can't believe it's been a month since i've blogged...i've missed these conversations with myself. here i have to look at myself and pay attention. I recently joined or actually started participating in myspace.com. Really it seemed a nice idea so that I could finally keep in touch with Christina. The truth is I am terrible at keeping in contact with people. I can love and appreciate others so deeply but I am really a quasi-recluse who isn't sure if I am worth real love and friendship. It began during Spring Break while bored and procrastinating the art of living. I never really understood these myspace phenomena or the importance these things play in people's lives...and i always wonder if these friends are really friends or if people hope to acquire cool pages and loads of "friends" so that when others look at their page it will seem like they have really hip lives. I wonder how much truth it is possible to project when you are being consious of yourself....and of others being conscious of you. I always want to seem real, but my masochistic perspective would probably make me look worse than I really am, but sometimes I'd rather do that than make me look better than what I really am....
back to my original train...i have learned that resurfacing the past can often be an uncomfortable thing. it makes your present thrown off balance because you start to question the true effect of the past, or you come to realize the connectedness of it all and how all of those experiences has made you who you are...and maybe you don't want that...maybe it's better to always look forward...I don't know, i am a believer in fate in karma, so perhaps the past resurfaces to teach us something about the present, and maybe I know the lesson but don't know how to apply the knowledge...i have to get a real life!! {whatever that means}...this is what happens when i am sleep deprived and i see the face of someone who broke my heart...this is what happens when i think about coulda, woulda, shoulda's, and have nots, when i should be focusing on the present moment and the beauty that is now...i think i put too much thought into possibilities, into the thoughts of others, into finding balance when there may not be any achievable...i don't even know why i write on these blogs and join these things...it is my attempt at understanding my own pop culture, yet I find it just makes me want to be more reclusive and alienates me from even myself at times...but of course i am just whining to myself so that i can come read this later and laugh at my crankiness and the sadness i allow myself to feel about a past that doesn't exist...until i think about it at least...
le sigh. nap time.
later i will write about the daffodil and perhaps all will be well again in wonderland...
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