Saturday, May 06, 2006

What is left is to learn...

There is always so much to say... the question is always where to begin, what to document...

life has been especially refreshing lately, my new path is opened and my eyes can see more clearly now. i am going to accomplish some major dreams this summer and I am more than excited, I am deeply moved. A part of me thinks I will be dying soon since so many huge accomplishments and dreams are coming to fruition. So many parts of me are still so fresh and incomplete, and yes, the universe has so many things left unanswered, but I think I will be ready to die soon. I don't mean I look foward to the concept, but I have reached a point in which I feel satisfied. Maybe I am not elated, but I feel content with the life I have led thus far. I feel I learn and experience and keep myself honest and grounded. I think that the only issues I have yet to tackle are completely loving myself through and through and finding some peace with the concept of love. I feel I have continued to learn and haven't settled, yet there is still such an elusive quality about how I should ultimately feel about the subject. Perhaps it is all just an illusion, a butterfly I am chasing--too fragile too touch but too beautiful to stop seeking. Maybe I am just supposed to accept that I will never understand this subject, and maybe, just maybe that is ok! Right now I am not sure if I even really understand the concept of committed relationships. They are portals of pain. Even resurfacing my past now shows me my true vulnerability. Everything is a test on my spirit. I just wonder how I am scoring so far. I hate being a student of life and not knowing if I am passing! Well, rather if I am exceling!

"Everyday you must say, 'how do I feel about my life'?" (Morrissey: The Smiths)

Recently I have reconnected with an old love, if you could call it that. I don't know how I can use a word I don't entirely understand. I want to physically document what I should learn from Dominic:

"Everyday you must say, 'how do I feel about the past?" (Morrissey: The Smiths)

1. Everything is a test of the spirit
2. I need to ultimately be with someone who 'gets' me
3. I need to have passion
4. I need music!!
5. I need someone I can laugh with and be truly goofy and random with
6. I need communication
7. I need stars in my eyes
8. I need to keep myself from being too vulnerable
9. I need to love myself
10. I need to be with someone who knows who Allen Ginsberg is
11. I need to be with someone who appreciates the art of life and the life of art
12. I need to dream with someone
13. I need funny nicknames
14. I need laughter and honesty
15. I need to travel

Thank you pup, you may break my heart again, but each time I am glad at how much I learn from you and how much I like to see the "freckles" in your eyes.

Latest mantra:

Be yourself, because those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter. -Dr. Seuss

Need to blog the Robert Graves poem about love
Ruth I love your story, "Don't Ask Me for that Love Again":

That which then was ours, my love,
don't ask me for that love again.
The world then was gold, burnished with light--
and only becuase of you. That's what I believed.
How could one weep for sorrows other than yours?
How could one have any sorrow but the one you gave?
So what were these protests, these rumors of injustice?
A glimpse of your face was evidence of springtime.
The sky, whenever I loooked, was nothing but your eyes.
If you fall into my arms, Fate would be helpless. -Faiz Ahned Faiz

I think of you pup.

When you are completely open, everything leads to awarenss. Everything is connected. That us why I need to tattoo the eternal knot, it is time. In my soul I know.

"Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself."
-Carson McCullers..."There are the loved and the beloved..."

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