Saturday, September 15, 2007

superconsciousness (really from 9/16)

yesterday i woke up in a giddy and hyper mood. perhaps it had to do with the seasons finally changing and the freshness of autumn approaching. i spent the day in a purple haze of reflection, and i was beaming with the joy of being alive and loving it. nothing spawned these feelings in me other than the joy i feel to be who i am and to have led the life i have so far. sometimes i can look back and focus on what i haven't accomplished, on all of the heartaches and breakdowns, on the trivial nature of my existance...and then there are days when i feel blessed to be me, for better or for worse i am happy thus far. from this i felt my cheeks tingle with the eagerness to keep smiling...and it was one of those days in which that need disregarded the concept of people who hate altogether too happy i allowed myself to laugh loud, to enjoy a night out and a favor to a friend, to see that friend feel comfortable and to dance!, to have people hold my hands when they talked to me and give me hugs just because, to continue to another party although it was late and i didn't know how i would get home, and there it was that Petey tsaid, "wow jenny, you seem really happy. you're beaming!"-- and I was, for no real reason other than the air was crisp and there was a mist of rain and it all made me think of Portland and possibility, and I continued to glow as I shared moments with many in my interweaving method of social interaction--and then there was the cab ride..... all day I saw signs that pointed me to Portland, it was as if the night was telling me to watch closely as sign after sign showed itself. Around 3:30am the cab comes. The woman is polite, obviously Hispanic, poor grammar, wears lots of gold jewelery, seems very wisened by experience, possibly mid 30's, probably a smoker (the latter is all just for descriptive and memory purposes, not to exhibit a stereotype...just real observations!)--I was splitting the cab with a friend and the driver decided I would be dropped off first. On the way we are at a stop light near one of the hospitals and the driver shouts out to a teenage boy- 'I'll come back. I have a drop off. Stay here." Then she continues and tell us that was her son. I say, "Aw, you could have picked him up too, we wouldn' t have minded!" To which the following occurred:

"Aw no, he's wit my otha son."

"Oh my, is he okay?"

"Yea, he be, he going to be okay. He got shot but he's alright. He gonna be alright."

"Are you for real? Here on Staten Island? Where?"

"Yea, righ' here. It was on________avenue. Two shooters. The cops say they got one of the guys, but I don' know. They sayin' it was assault! It was attempted murder. They were trying to kill my son. They got the one guy out on bail awready. Can you believe that? You have one guy gets my son with a _______ and then on the other corner some guy shoots him with a ______! And cops saying it assault. ..."

She continues to talk nonchalantly about how her son didn't know these guys and how common this is in that small neighborhood. As we were driving we had to take a detour because fire trucks and police cars were blocking one of the main roads outside of another "projects"--as we approached she started maniacally laughing and saying "Ah the projects are burin'! Look at them burn! I don't see no thing on fire! Let 'em burn...."

It is sad to say....but this was the last thing I needed to tell me to leave...while i still can! This is not the home I want to have. This is real but this should not be reality.

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