Saturday, June 21, 2008

"music is my soul mate"

[from Monday 6/16]... I decided to make music. For the thrill...for the self-proof that I am not awful. Why do I need such validation?? I need to be recognized in a meager way...but recognized nonetheless. Angelo and Adam have asked me why, and as much as I know, I also don't know. Either way I was determined to express myself musically. I invited Adam over and at first we plucked at Ange's guitars and then Adam played some songs while we both sang. I kept announcing to the air and the memory of my father, "See, I'm not awful." In some ways needing Adam's validation, not because of who he is, but because he was a witness, a testimony, someone I could refer to when my father tells me again that I am devoid of musical ability. After some time we went out to the porch and I grabbed Angelo's bongos--which I have never played, other than my pretending when I was a kid and my dad had them around...which was rare that I did because we weren't supposed to touch them, especially because we 'didn't know how to play them'. Granted I had drank a couple of beers at this point, but my real motivation came from something inside of me that needed to be released--- and done so in a way that validated my ability to enjoy myself without having to be good, without having to be recognized--though surely I wanted to be and appreciated when I was. So Adam and I jammed and we rocked and I banged away and sang my present stress. And it was beautiful. I don't really care as much that we sounded pretty good and that the neighbor clapped...what I will cherish is that I just did it. I just played because it was fun, because I could, because I didn't fear being judged. The reality is that I don't really care about wide acknowledgment. I am really simple. I just need to know I can really do whatever I want, it's not a matter of being "successful", making money, being's about sharing experiences, letting loose, proving things to myself, having laughs and experiences with a friend, expressing ourselves, and surprising ourselves. That is really life to me. Sweet music.

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