masochism

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security."
– Gail Sheehy

Lately I have been facing many inner quandaries. I know I need change. My gut tells me. I know I want to make a difference, even in a small way. I know I want to be creative, and in that, to create. But I feel like I am trapped in the web of the material world. In the masochistic, mercurial, but things to shelter your from facing reality world. I want to venture off.

But my fear is this: will it be the same no matter where I go? Is the issue me, or my surroundings, or the decisions I make?

Today I was reading an issue of "Marie Claire" and in it was a journal of Drew Barrymore's from her travels in Africa to help in the fight against world hunger. I only made it half way before crying and feelings truly pathetic-- mind you this was after I initially skipped the article because I was eating and felt guilty. What makes this more preposturous is that I was reading this while in the bathroom after having skipped a Graduate class because I have been sick, after I had stuffed my face on take-out food, after I had sipped my Latte Lite from Dunkin' Donuts, after I have slept for over ten hours, after I had driven three blocks to get the coffee, after I wasted hourse of my day hanging out with my dogs...so I cried, in a truly, "I hate my guts" and want to go to Africa to help these poor people, "I am disgusting", "This world is too much for me" kind of way.

And now I am on my computer, still sipping that Latte and I want to throw up.