Monday, August 18, 2008

inside the mind...(LONG POST!!)

The only thing my blogging habits really reveal about me is that I procrastinate, that I share bits and pieces of a far more complex puzzle that I haven't finished yet...There is so much worth sharing that I don't talk about, so much I see and do that I want to share, but I don't....and then for some reason I am compelled to write or talk about relatively trivial things...or random snaphots with no real common thread...I make myself overwhelmed with thoughts... beauty, sadness, inspiration...and share such a small little kaleidoscope here's to whatever wants to be shared...

Awesome two weeks doing a Shakespeare Fellowship at Columbia U, where the weather is always nicer and the grass is strangely always greener. Learned so much, made great friends, felt my confidence expand as I worked with numerous acting techniques. Beautiful! In our final scene myself and partner Donna played half male/female in our reenactment of a scene from A Midsummer Night's Dream, hilarious! Is it odd that I was so happy that I got so many compliments on the roles I played as men?

Inspiration: Really I get obsessed with certain things for awhile and that occupies so much of my time and thoughts. I pick up little doses of stimulation in every corner and let them all sit inside of my and fill me with a world I am happy to live in for as long as I must. I had a Tarot Reading about two weeks ago that pretty much exhibited my current state, I am in a strange hibernation, filling up on dreams until I am ready to wake up and share. So, as always, here are some things that make me go "Le sigh"...

Visit her etsy shop, such amazing work!

My robot paper dolls...I am a) obsessed with robots, b) and obsessed with using them in mediums that aren't typically avenues for robots, but that is what makes them fun...

Lars and the Real Girl

What a surprisingly amazing film. Subtle, odd, sincere, sad, beautiful. Besides the basics (great casting, music, visually interesting) the story behind this movie is touching in a way that takes you off guard at first. The premise makes you want to be judgmental, to roll your eyes and scoff, but then as the story unfolds, you realize that this is a film about loss, identity, finding who you are in a culture that doesn't always make it so simple. It is about the nature of love and its many faces. It's about mental illness, emotional attachments, and how we project our emotions onto/into things when they become too hard or complicated for us to deal with. Mostly I feel this film is about learning to understand people, to see a bit of ourselves in others before we rush to judge-- and how hard it is to both be and deal with human beings. We are such amazingly deep and delicate creatures. I watched the movie with Angelo and Adam, and afterwards talked about my connection to a doll I had/have and how easy it is to project our feelings into and humanize dolls. I did it so much when I was a kid that I was borderline abnormal. I used to think my animals all had feelings, and would cry when I wasn't home. But the real story I wanted  to share was about my Ernie doll. Yes, Ernie from Sesame Street. I bought the doll when I was 12 and it was cool to be a kid again. I brought Ernie with me everywhere and slept with him until I was about 20. If I traveled he was there. If I was sad, he was there. If I was lonely, he was there. Besides how much I related to the character, misunderstood as being ditzy, nice, and happy all of the time (none are really that true or untrue) I saw him like an emblem of my childhood. When I moved out of my father's house at 14, most of my belongings that I didn't pack with me were thrown away-- my childhood on a curb. at 14, my psychological reaction was to a) hold close to the items that reminded me of a time before that traumatic age, and b) let go of my attachments to everything else. Living with my mother was anything but comforting, and to keep this story focused, the time that I lived there I needed Ernie even  more. He reminded me of innocence, simple times that I wasn't sure I could remember, or if I ever even experienced. He became the child inside of me that I fiercely protected. As corny as it sounds, I would get upset if anyone harassed the doll, even playfully. I was always conscious that he was just a doll, but inside he was so much more to me. When I was around 16 I got into a viscous fight with my mother-- which wasn't unusual! This time she was kicking me out again for no real reason, and luckily I had my dear Natalie by my side--- but while I had my bag packed and Ernie in my arm, my mother and I screaming, she went and grabbed his delicate little leg and started to pull at him. I sometimes laugh at this story now, but at the time I saw it as the lowest of the low for her to grab my doll (which I purchased, so it was even more mine)... so I screamed "Don't hurt him. Leave him alone. He's a doll, he didn't do anything.." yadda yadda... and she, knowing then how much that doll was a weakness, grabbed at him more, trying to rip him from me. Finally I told her that if she stepped one foot closer and/or touched my doll again I would punch her. Suffice to say, it was my first and only full on fist fight. In a way I never felt guilty because I was protecting an innocent bystander, but when you look at it later on, it is all so insane. A few years later we got our dog Mercedes and she was a wild puppy who just knew that Ernie was my favorite doll-- so she ripped him up. I stayed in bed and cried for nearly two days. I was 20. I sewed him up and put him up on a shelf when I wasn't home. She got to him and tore him up even worse. I couldn't sew him up the same. I put him in a plastic bag and then in a box in my closet. Nearly  7 years and 3 homes later, he is in that bag and box in my basement. What is my moral? What is my point? What do I recommend? Not really sure and so sure at the same time. I guess, see a little of yourself in others, understand that humans are complex and delicate, and all a little bit insane! : ) 

1 comment:

  1. Oh, you touched me with that story. I cried as I read that and cried even more when I saw that sweet little Ernie face. Girl, there is so much I could say here to you in connection with tender subject. You blow me away with your bravery. I can completely relate to this story and the relationship with dolls/animals. We will talk one day. In the meantime, you are wonderful! I miss you. I will see that movie very soon.



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